August 18, 2005

Pill 3/15/99 What Dreams May Come

Effexor Xanax Depakote Trazadone Lithium Zoloft Paxil Prozac

Bipolar? you tell me! I was diagnosed sometime between Christmas and New Years Eve 1998. It is only the 15th of March, and I am still not completely cured. I won't ever be completely cured. I shouldn't have suicidal thoughts anymore, but when I begin to feel guilt...

After sacrament, wait - during sacrament meeting yesterday, I began to feel guilty for the night before. I left in the middle of someones talk. I drove to the top of Flat Iron Mesa, and I thought. I thought of what happened between Chris and I. The feeling, and the rubbing. Why do I have such a huge trial on my shoulders?

I drove home and stared at my four bottles of medicine. Would it be enough? Do I have the guts?

I thought of the movie "What Dreams May Come" it saved my life...

"If I could ask God just one question... why aren't you here with me?" -New Radicals #6

Many times I look at my pills and wonder what would happen. I often wonder if what I was taught about heaven is really true. I want to find out. I guess I am selfish that way.

We'll see...

36 Comments:

Blogger Stephen said...

I'm glad you didn't take the pills, though when I saw your sig, I thought "UT" (University of Texas) Mormon ...

Robin Williams was great in that movie, and no matter how rough life is, leaving it through suicide is worse.

There is more hope than you feel right now.

8/18/2005 6:51 AM  
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My name is Judith Haven and i would like to show you my personal experience with Effexor.

I am 37 years old. Have been on Effexor for at least 1 years now. As soon as I was on the beginning dose I could feel releave from my anxiety. My family life is so much better. My kids notice it. They applaud my for taking the side affects for a better live with them. No explosive episode any more.

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