September 09, 2005

6/11/99

Nate and I planned on hanging out all day long, but he called and seemed upset. I think his parents know that something's up. So, I have been waiting for him to call. It's 7:30 pm. Liz called and I told her I was waiting for a call. I hung up with her and found that Nate had called while I was on with Liz. He told me to call him at Angies at 8:30. So, now, I'm waiting yet another hour or so to even talk to him. Is this really worth it? We told each other our thoughts last night, and he held my hand and kissed me. I forgot where I was. I forgot who I was. Yet, for a moment I knew everything, I could see clearly. I didn't want that moment to end... but it did, and now I miss it.

September 08, 2005

Nate (not just another guy) 6/4/99

I had a crush on him as soon as I saw him. I wasn't sure if he was gay, but I had a feeling he might be. Laci T*** introduced us, It's almost as if fate had something to do with it as well. Nate called that night (6/4) and told me he was gay. I told him the same thing. We chatted for a moment, and we gave each other our phone #'s saying "if you ever need to talk, or (want to) do something to call." He called me the next day and we hung out and talked. As of today (6/9/99) we haven't had any sexual contact. No touch at all. I don't mind.

Is it possible to love a man? Yes! Is it wrong? Who's to say?

I am in love, moreso than anyone else. How can these feelings be from Satan? I am really confused. For the first time in my life I am truly happy.

So what if I've only known him five days! I feel like it's been five years. I don't know how or what he feels for me, but I hope he tells me soon.

August 22, 2005

Ka-Boom! (Before June '99)

He followed me all the way to our neighborhood. I didn't want him to know where I lived, so I parked on Fallbrook. We talked for a sec, and then we went to the East Chapel where we talked for about 3 hours.

Ben, 25 years old, seemed really nice, but what was I looking for? I don't want sex, but something else. Ben and I went to East Sandy and as usual, one thing led to another, and well, I guess I am lucky. The next morning they found a bomb at the elementary schoool where we had just been.

Is someone watching over me?

August 21, 2005

Cop (no date)

*Knock*
*Flashlight*

Indecent exposure. Sexual act in private property.

Gravity Hill. Stranger.

He was very aggressive. I am so glad the cop shined his light when he did! He was nice and let us go. The kid, Erik, kept wanting more, but I felt so dirty. I took him home. He was leaving to Seattle that weekend and wanted one last fling before he went. I never saw him again.

August 20, 2005

Death (sometime between April and June 1999)

Why do I think I am going to die soon? I feel as though my time here on earth is almost over. What happens after death? Are there really kingdoms like we Mormons believe, or have we all been brainwashed?

Be open minded. Heaven/Hell is just as likely as reincarnation. How do "we" know that "we" are right?

I guess we will find out soon. I look for death. I seek him out. His arms reaching out f0r some other man. When is my turn? What will happen to me? Am I damned to Hell? Is there Hell?

August 19, 2005

5:10 A.M. (March 25th-April 1 1999)

It was Thursday March 25th, I called Chris on the phone. He was house-sitting. The call began at around 11pm and if you can't guess by now, it ended at 5:10am.

We had a really good conversation about how or why God would let people be gay. Also, why don't the brethren do something practical about this "satanic problem"... I have heard from 2 or 3 people that the church use to have a program where they would show gay men pornography and ZAP them if they were turned on by males. Why would our church leaders let this happen? Who knows?

Well, March 26th, Friday, Chris and I had a sleepover. It was weird and different. We watched a movie, played around, and slept.

It is now the 1st of April, and I have decided to move to San Diego in January. I wish Ama could go with me. Chris wants to go with me, but I think I really want to go alone. I want to start my life, begin again, have fun. Why San Diego? I met a really nice gay guy at the subway there while I was on vacation with my family. Plus they have a nude beach, and a lot less mormons.

August 18, 2005

My Life (no date)

The tears I weep
not quite knowing why
no one to say
they'll be there.

longing, reaching
for someone or something
how has it come to this?
what I have done?

My life was perfect
but now it's all fucked up!
What did I do wrong?
I want to rewind...

back to the days of my youth
the harsh words given and received
an outcast I was
Will I always be?

My eyes have dried over
crusted memories
I try to forget.
lonely, I am alone

Where am I going?
What shall I do?
Will someone please help me?
no where to look
no where to run

hopeless - despair - loss
anger - hate - loneliness
dark - thick - gone
death

I need an escape
rid my body of this pain
of this soul
I am hiding

1st Sexual Relation... (no date - probably 1999)

A while back, not too long ago, I was cruising State St. looking for something to fill my empty void. Searching, as I had done many times before, was always pointless. It was a waste of time, gas, and lies to my parents. "I'm going dancing with Ama"

Well, this night was different. It was June or July, and I was fresh out of the temple. I was just heading home. A car pulled next to me, we stared, I followed. He came in my car, we parked, and he jacked me off.

Nothing more happened, he gave me his # but I threw it away as I drove home crying.

City of Sin (no date)

Vegas, what a place. I remember about 3 or 4 years ago my family was staying in Circus Circus. It was past midnight, dad was gambling, and I was in the hotel room with the females of my family...

- Mom, I'm going to find dad or get something to eat.
- OK, but hurry! It's late.

I headed for the elevator, pushed #1, and ran to the entrance. FREEDOM. I was out of the hotel, so I walked about five blocks until I found a sex shop.

I walked in, scared and confused. Many scary people peered into my eyes. I looked for a good porn video, walked to the counter, and bought it. The lady didn't even ask for i.d.

The video made it to Utah, unknown by anyone but me, along with some condoms. (the ones in the gas station bathrooms.) I only played the video a couple of times until I felt guilty. I destroyed the tape and threw it away.
.......
On the subject of Vegas, I told Chris that I would try to get a couple porn videos, so our minds may have something new to fantasize about.
......
this book of secrets is pretty deep. If you are upset by what is written thus far, stop reading!

Pill 3/15/99 What Dreams May Come

Effexor Xanax Depakote Trazadone Lithium Zoloft Paxil Prozac

Bipolar? you tell me! I was diagnosed sometime between Christmas and New Years Eve 1998. It is only the 15th of March, and I am still not completely cured. I won't ever be completely cured. I shouldn't have suicidal thoughts anymore, but when I begin to feel guilt...

After sacrament, wait - during sacrament meeting yesterday, I began to feel guilty for the night before. I left in the middle of someones talk. I drove to the top of Flat Iron Mesa, and I thought. I thought of what happened between Chris and I. The feeling, and the rubbing. Why do I have such a huge trial on my shoulders?

I drove home and stared at my four bottles of medicine. Would it be enough? Do I have the guts?

I thought of the movie "What Dreams May Come" it saved my life...

"If I could ask God just one question... why aren't you here with me?" -New Radicals #6

Many times I look at my pills and wonder what would happen. I often wonder if what I was taught about heaven is really true. I want to find out. I guess I am selfish that way.

We'll see...

The Book 3/14/99

4am
- Where have you been?
- I fell asleep just outside the temple grounds.
- I have been worried sick about you!

I told my mom I dropped Melissa off, and afterwards parked outside the Jordan River Temple to think.

- I must have fallen asleep, I awoke, saw what time it was, and sped home as fast as I could.

It wasn't a complete lie, I mean... I dropped Melissa off.

*Kiss*
- Goodbye Melissa, I guess I'll see you Monday.

"Come straight home after you take Melissa home." I remember my mom wanting me to come home, but instead...

I found myself once again cruising State Street alone. I decided only to take 1 pass through exchange place. 'Cause it was getting late + nothing ever happens there anyhow.

Driving through, Chris caught my eye, and I caught his. He followed me to 3rd where I parked my car. He parked a few stalls away, so I got out, locked my car and sat in his.

20 Years old (lies)
Return Missionary
Single
Parents are Mission Presidents (lies)
Mitsubishi

He was nice. We talked very openly for about thirty minutes then he asked if it would be o.k. to drive around. We drove everywhere. Through the avenues, and through the city. At 2:30 he mentioned something about his legs getting tired. We parked near "The Barking Frog."

We are both very active in the church, and we have a lot in common.

- Can I hold your hand?

how the rest of the night would go depended on my answer.

- Sure.

He gave me this journal, which is more than just a journal. It is the complete truth about me.

The book contains my true feelings and thoughts. It holds my secrets and my fantasies. I guess you could say this is my life.

Honesty

thoughts, feelings, actions...
sometimes secrets, sometimes not.
"what are you hiding inside?" Dr Guiot would ask.
"Let your feelings out."

3/14/99
The beginning of something true.

10/6/99
happiness is hard to find,but hold tight when you find it.